Wow. As I sit at home on another wash out of a Saturday, I realized that June 18 is the third anniversary of C-Day. No, this is not a typo where you think I mean D-Day, I mean C-Day as in "Cubicle Day," the day I started at this barren wasteland and have continued to fight to this day. I guess minus the whole storming the beaches and possessing that never say die attitude, and oh yeah, the little fighting Nazis thing, then the two days are very similar. Both days had a common enemy: the Germans for the soldiers and the cube for me. Both faced insurmountable odds in winning, and yet still persevered. Now, time will tell if I'll be able to have this moment, but I'd like to think I will. I'm so done with my life in New York right now. Everything has really come to a head and as I sat alone for most of the day today, I realized that it is time to move on. This Chicago idea has really saturated my thoughts and mind all week, but I still hadn't fully committed to it until today. I guess I was looking for every reason not to go, just mainly because I didn't know if I'd have the money to do it, the resources, the drive. But now, I know I have to put my whole effort into it. It may not give me everything I want, and it may not even make me happier, but I at least have to try. I keep telling people about it, and even I am starting to believe it. I'm not so naive to think it will happen overnight; it's going to take significant effort and maybe some luck to put this into motion. But it's time to start doing something...enough is enough.
I actually went back and read some of my old blog posts, and realized how little things have changed for me. Sure, I was able to cross of #1 on my list of 2009 New Year Goals, but what else have I really done? For example, let's look at this post from when I first started working, in 2007:
Because I view my job as the enemy; I must slay it before it consumes me. If I stay here longer than six months I'll be very upset. I don't want to be someone that stays in a job for 30 years for job security or because I grow complacent with it. That's how so many people are there. They wish they could get out but they don't have the energy or just don't care. And they still complain. I'm a firm believer that you can always change your stars, no matter how old or how late in life. It's just how much of yourself you're willing to dedicate to it. So let's hope my stars change. Because I really can't take it anymore. But for now, I have to keep a smile on my face and my head down. Someone's gotta pay for my beer money.
This was written on November 14, 2007. I was five months into the job and already hated it. I really thought I would be able to score something else quickly. But to paraphrase Jim Halpert, "Oh, Young Dan, There's just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot." So I stayed put.
There was even a point when I was, gasp, happy?!
The job itself is, unbelievably, not that bad right now. Sure, I'm still looking for any excuse to get out, but I'm closing in on 6 months. The pay is decent, and will only go up. The benefits are to die for. But am I truly happy? I can't really say.
This is still only November 28 of the same year. Flashforward to now. No raise, pay is barely covering my expenses, and I'm still there. The last sentence really speaks volumes.
Now we're into the very beginning of 2008:
I sometimes think leaving that job will be bad. Our staff is grossly understaffed and losing another person would be bad for morale. But then I think, I really don't care if I do. I'll give them the professional courtesy and leave after two weeks, but I don't think I owe them more than that. I guess a part of me thinks since this was my first job, I owe it to them to stay. My parents seem to think I should stick it out, even if they don't say that directly. I know it has excellent job security, good potential for advancement, etc. But I swear, if I'm still there by the summer, please take me out back and beat me with a switch. I refuse to stay in a place just because it's safe and secure. That's the attitude of a lot of people there, and I'll be damned if I add to the list. I've applied to other positions and been let down each time. I've learned not to invest too much energy into anything; you'll just be let down.
The whole "hey, I'm set for life, maybe I should just stick this out" mindset was long gone at this point. You can see how beaten I was becoming. It would really just evolve into more angst as the years went on and the posts got angrier.
I just need to get that energy back I once had. I still cannot accept the idea that I've "peaked." If this is all that life is, then maybe I'll go play in traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. Because I'll be damned if this is all I have to look forward to. I guess I'm just fairly depressed lately; nothing really seems to be happening for me, even though I try to hide my malcontent. I'm trying to stay positive through all of this, hoping that something good can come from this. Chicago is renewing my focus and determination, I think. I hope that this post from 11/19/07 is something I can get back to real soon. But I just don't know anymore.
But in more upbeat news, I've seemed to get my spirit back. After a previous job I applied for gave me a tease and ultimately let me down, I read an article from my favorite magazine, Men's Health (had to plug it) today while working out. It was a pretty straightforward article about a guy trying to make the Dallas Cowboys roster as essentially a walk-on. It wasn't really the athlete that got me motivated; it was the language the author used. It was like he was speaking directly to me. I know that this job isn't for me, and there's no reason to ever stop trying. Because if this missed internship has told me anything, it's that I do have something to offer. I think I tend to overanalyze and underestimate myself. Maybe I'm a realist; maybe I'm just pessimistic. I haven't decided yet. I always go into a situation with low expectations; because when you think like that, you can never be let down. It's always worked for me. But now I feel like I shouldn't sell myself short. I was discouraged and unwilling to take another risk and be let down. But after reading this article, I felt a renewed sense of initiative, if that makes sense. I'm going to get a better job, something I like. I will not be one of those "lifers" who looks back 30 years from now and wonders "What if." I want to be the guy who says, "I did." If it takes a paycut and more hours, so be it. No one should ever feel like they can't change the course of their lives. And since I'm young, this is the time when I have the financial and economical freedom to switch positions. Like a quarterback, I can still call an audible before the play is called. It's once that play is called that I have to make a decision. But you can never win without at least going deep once. Read this article, and maybe you can be as inspired as I was:
http://www.menshealth.com/cda/article.do?site=MensHealth&channel=guy.wisdom&category=life.lessons&conitem=6787ef56737f5110VgnVCM20000012281eac____
"Everyone has a dream. Most of us never realize that dream. It hovers before us like a star over water (or green AstroTurf), luring us on. The prospect of lunging forward and taking hold of that dream is a startling one, maybe even frightening. (What if you miss? What if you don't? What will you dream about if your dream becomes a reality?) But when the moment of opportunity arrives, it's the courage to make that lunge, regardless of the outcome, that separates the achievers from the mediocre."
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