Letter of De-Recommendation

Now, I don't claim to be anything I'm not. I know I'm not the smartest guy in the world, or the tallest, or the best looking. But, aside from all that, I still feel I am fairly intelligent and can hold a conversation. You would think these two characteristics would be ones just about anyone has (aside from maybe Gator), but you forget, I do not work with mere average normal people. So when I asked the Worldly Commuter (he of the three hour commute) to write me a simple letter of recommendation, little did I know what I was in store for. I've attached a copy of it for your reference on the left. I've removed my name and his, if only to protect the innocent (me) and the stupid (him). I'd like to highight the good parts and translate it into regular speak, if for nothing but to further illustrate what I'm dealing with:




















"...Very attentive, well groomed, respectful, eager to learn, and receptive to all directions."

Translates to: "He can pay attention and be as obedient as a dog. He also will never bring in head lice, pink eye, or any type of other disgusting childlike disease into the workplace."

"...Also writes very well and was progressing very favorably."

Translates to: "Unlike the other neanderthals that work here, he actually can string coherent sentences together and knows how to spell common words like 'pizza'. He also was too normal when he started, full of vigor and joy, so we had to beat it out of him like a kid who stole money from his mother's purse. He is slowly starting to become one of us."

"I am aware, however, that his current management has challenged him with progressively more difficult work assignments."

Translates to: "The work has gotten harder yet he hasn't gotten dumber yet? That is truly remarkable. We have to give him head lice, and fast."

I guess in the long run, writing a "true" letter of recommendation would have been just too unusable, more so than this one. This "recommendation" probably wouldn't get me a job as the guy that cleans up after elephants, let alone a real job. I guess I should have expected this from a guy who stuffs more envelopes into his pocket than a stripper with singles. Seriously, the pocket is just about suffocating from manila asphyxiation, it's so packed to the brim. I'm sure he spent hours on it, trying to make it sound presentable and smart sounding. Or maybe, like I suspect, he took about five minutes at his desk, looked up some synonyms for "nice", "intelligent", and "writing", and hastily put it together. He is one of two employees that decided to stay longer and make more money off the "Cash for Clunkers" deal I spoke of previously. One former employee simply said, "Well, it makes sense. He needs the years." And while most of these old farts spend the remainder of their adult lives traveling or at least not working, this guy plans to join a resume writing class and get another job! And he's over 55! Seriously, this place is devoid of all reason. It's like they don't know what to do with themselves when they don't have to work anymore. And they can't just sit around with their wives, because they suck and boss them around. Work is their only refuge from misery. And that is the saddest part about it.

I am heavily considering leaving all of this behind and moving to Chicago with a friend of mine. He recently got offered a position at Fox News and it is almost 100% that he will get it. It's just a matter of when. That kind of awakened something in me again. I get this feeling every once in awhile when some new job comes out or there is a rumor of something good happening; I guess you can call it hope. I tend to always have low expectations at this point, since whenever I get excited about something I am let down. So I think it's easier to just expect the worse and anything good that comes out of it is a bonus. But this Chicago thing? At first, I was thinking that it'd be a lot of work to do this, expensive, too far from my family, etc. Basically I thought up every reason not to do it, but never thought about how it'd be if I did it. I can just do the same thing in New York-- get a roommate, split costs, find a new job. But I've lived on my own so long I don't think I could live with someone again, unless it was in a completely new place. And finding a job here hasn't exactly been like shooting fish in a barrel, so that mindset is basically out. So obviously, things aren't exactly great for me right now. This presents to me the opportunity I'm looking for. Chicago is a great city; like a smaller New York. Cheaper cost of living, and splitting costs will save me money. I know it's not like I can just quit my job and move there; I could work in a bar like Sam Malone, but that's not smart. I know I have to do my homework before I dive into anything. But this is something I need to do, before I become just like everyone else. I'm just a little worried that I will get out there and things don't pick up and I regret things. But maybe for the first time in a long time, I need to shoot high. I gotta keep trying at least, wherever I end up. Because this cannot keep up. Or I am totally going to end up like this guy.