Nostalgia

What a crazy night! I'm so wasted! I can't wait to call this girl two days from now (as the rule says)!
...........................so here I am, it's 12am...and I'm typing at my computer on a Saturday night. I did some ironing earlier, so I can't say it's a complete loss, but, yeah, that's what my life has come down to. I rarely call/message anyone to go out anymore, mainly because I know I'll just end up going to someone's house or going to some local bar, having a few drinks and a few laughs, and going home wondering why I ever agreed to go out in the first place. It's kind of a vicious cycle...I want to go out and meet people, have a good time, but I'm always fairly tired on weekends. I usually get a morning workout in, then I'm free the rest of the day, so I really have no excuse. But I think a long work week and a long Friday after work usually takes everything out of me. I usually hang out after work since I'm already in the city, which makes things a lot easier. But even that has its drawbacks. I only stay out a few hours, because I'm really tired after working all day. It's usually a 2o hour day. And even if I am having a good time, I always have to make sure I'm back by 11:30 to catch the last bus home. Granted, I have a lot of friends that live around the city where I could crash, but then I lose most of my Saturday...and that day is almost sacred. I almost get upset when I have something to do that day. I know I'm just making excuses, but that's how it is lately.

I took a real depressing walk down memory lane just now when I looked through my old photos from college. It really hit me that I regret so much about what I didn't do. Sure, I had my fun, but I don't have those "you had to be there" stories. And I feel like that's an essential part of the college experience. So let this be a lesson to anyone entering college: have no regrets when you leave. Or at least keep them at a minimum.

I've been really getting into "The Office" lately. (Just a sidenote, I know it's a spin-off of the British one, and the British one is great, mainly because anything British is supposed to be great, but people really should give the U.S. version a chance. It's damn funny in it's own right.) I just feel like I can relate so much to how they feel. I work in a cubicle but for a rather large scale "corporation" (laughable, at best), but I deal with the same mundane existence. And I really like the whole Jim/Pam (or JAM, as the people seem to have coined them) romantic angle. In my heart, I'm a real sap in terms of romance. I enjoy watching people in love. For God sakes, I watched "First Daughter" with Katie Holmes, a movie maybe 3 people have seen (including my mom) and really got into it. For some reason, I really got into the whole "guy chasing girl and vice versa" thing. And when they waltz to "The Way You Look Tonight"...c'mon, I don't care if you're T2, you're melting at that scene. I guess I'm just jealous. I wish things like that happened to me. I want the "Chasing Amy" makeout in the rain. Or that "Say Anything" moment. I even sometimes daydream about making a movie and something like that happening for me. Sad, I know. And I know, I know, I work in one of the greatest cities in the world, and it must be so easy to meet people...that's a load of crap, really. Even with 3 million people in this city, it's still really difficult to approach people. I guess it's my shyness, or my reluctance to take the first step, but it's easier said than done. I seem to never be able to initiate. I wish they'd make the first move (not likely) or I could skip all the intros and get right into the conversation, and I'm like Vince Vaughn in "Swingers." But for now, I'm just the guy who sits at the bar, drinking his beer, looking around, and going home alone.

And I really try. I go to happy hours pretty frequently. But you can't do much at them. You usually go with friends, and you stay in that social circle the whole night. I did have the one night where I thought I had a chance with a girl, even went on a date. That pretty much died a slow death, though. So I'm back where I started. But even looking back at all those experiences, maybe they weren't all a waste. Sure, not much happened, but they really were learning experiences. So now when something does happen (eventually), I can try to avoid the same mistakes and pitfalls that killed me the last time. I just need the opportunity to execute them.

I promise the rest of the posts won't be this much of a downer. But it's really just how I'm feeling. When I finally get that good piece of news (girls aren't crazy, my office building disappeared overnight), then you'll see me skipping through the streets. But for now, it'll unfortunately be more "Debbie Downer" than anything.

Wakeup Call

Well, it finally happened. I don't know if I was expecting it or not, but I guess all my laziness and disgust with my job has finally come back to bite me in the ass. Lately, I've been drifting, mostly because my boss has been gone for a week, but also because I've stopped caring. I stopped caring a long time ago, and was doing alright. I still got my work done. But over the past few days, it seems like I'm not getting anything accomplished. I've been putting things off and forgetting to do other things...and it all came to a head today. After my stand-in boss asked me if I had taken care of the few outstanding issues that came up, I told him no. Thinking nothing of it, I was about to go back to staring at my computer and reading old e-mails or The Office quotes, he threw a curveball at me and asked if I wanted to "take a walk." Everyone knows this is never good, only if it's a really hot female in a club, and she's drunk. My boss is neither, so I knew I was in trouble. As I walked down the small corridor to a conference room, I thought to myself, "This must be what Death Row feels like," obviously blowing things out of proportion. I knew I'd be getting talked to, I just didn't expect him to say it. He's one of the cooler older guys on the floor; older than me, but still fairly young enough to not take things too seriously. The only problem is, he's a real stickler for details. He'll grill you with 100 questions and you'll have an answer to, oh, maybe 3 of them. But as long as you have some type of answer, it's fine. Today, I had none. He basically took me aside and sat me down. I don't remember all the dialogue exchanged over the course of those 10 minutes or so, but he pretty much summed up how I haven't been getting as much work done as I should be, I've been talking on the phone too much (and others have complained about it) and just generally been slacking off. I have to admit, I am guilty as charged for all of those. I put things off until the end of the day or the next day because that is the beauty of what I do: it can always wait. But perhaps I got a little too complacent. A little too comfortable. I guess if I cared more, it'd show. The problem is, I don't. I really hate this place and most of the people in it. And now it's showing. I really just want to know who else had a problem with me. I think it could have just been a scare tactic to get me to focus more, but who knows. And the phone: one other co-worker, who switched jobs at the beginning of the year, seemingly has nothing to do but call me at least 3 times per day, at about 10 minutes (minimum) per call. Now, granted, I bait him by listening and sharing an occasional laugh, but I really need to go on a "diet" from him, as another co-worker said to me. Just by weening myself off those calls will get me back in my boss's good graces fairly fast. I would try harder, if people and projects didn't give me such a hard time. I have over 10 active projects I'm working on, and none have been easy. The people I deal with on these projects are some of the dumbest, most disrespectful, and rude people I've ever had the displeasure of dealing with. Maybe if they were a little more helpful, I'd be a little more willing to do my job. But combine their overall idiocy with my lack of caring, and you have a bad beat. I didn't even take his sit-down with me personal; he was right, after all. I really took it more as a wakeup call to get out of what I'm doing. This is clearly not for me. And I've been trying for months now to get out, but it's not as simple as you'd think. I have little experience in what I want to do, and that hurts me right there. I could go on and on, but it's like beating a dead horse. I need to get out. And after becoming obsessed with The Office, it really just encompasses everything that's wrong with cubicle life. And Jim, one of my all-time favorite characters now, said it best.

"Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train."